When I think of the end of the world, I think of the silence.I think of the way the air would feel without the vibrations of fear and chaos and expectation choking it up. I think about the death of expectations and the death of aspirations and the silence of a world with nothing left to prove, nothing left to do. It is strangely comforting. For some reason, I see myself standing on a beach in the maritimes somewhere.It is fall and it is grey and I can hear the waves pounding the shore. I feel dead but in a good way. I feel empty, released from the humanness of my previous existence.I am not a husk, but some form that is not what it used to be. I am the observer and I am the observed, perfectly still and content.
I suppose this is what enlightenment feels like. I suppose this is what happily giving up the ego feels like. That place where there is no stress and no real emotion or anything to remind me of what I once was. I like this place. I just "am" there.I am good enough the way that I am. I don't need to eat or sleep or have an opinion. I am not doing anything or wanting to do anything because it is all over. There is nothing to do. It is quiet and peaceful. "I" am not there to fuck things up.In a place without feeling, it feels good.
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Eating the Elephant
Its funny, I read a Rolling Stone interview about Jamie Tworkowski today. He founded a really cool charity\movement called "To write Love on Her Arms" look him up. He is making cool things happen.What makes this interesting was that I woke up this morning thinking(like I always do) how to simplify what it is that I wanted to say. I realized that I was doing it through Loudlove already, but it was not precise. I also started thinking that sometimes people aren't ready to hear those things. A simple message is the most powerful thing in the world. The minute it gets complicated it loses its power. After reading the interview I began to think about all the struggle and inner turmoil I have experienced since I was blown open by mental illness and cancer 15 years ago. I have tried to express the message of love and persistence through hard times with my music and still feel like I haven't even begun to do my life's work so to speak. To focus is important when trying to accomplish any kind of task and that has been a struggle for me. I realize that I have been trying to Eat the Elephant in one huge bite.
Since completing cancer treatment I have often felt like there was an invisible gun to my head. That there was a clock ticking and that I should try to accomplish all that I can before I am done here on earth. I suppose I am like a woman who wants to have a baby and is feeling her biological clock ticking. I want to have my baby but my baby is still a raw, loosely defined mental entity. Loudlove was a start, a musical expression of the things I feel inside. I originally wanted to write music to make people dance, feel good and forget thier problems for a few hours. In many ways Loudlove has been a success and continues to do what it was designed to do. But Loudlove is not the perfect sole expression of my life's mission.
So, the ticking clock, the invisible gun, the unending desire to share what I feel everyday. It is like being haunted by a ghost that wants you to convey a message but wont tell you how or to whom the message belongs. When I get the opportunity to speak to my hearts best intentions I am amazed by what happens. For example at my uncles funeral a month or so back, I got to eulogize him. I made no notes and simply asked the universe to allow me to speak my uncles truth. I also asked that my words could comfort my family and all who attended his service. I also didn't want to embarrass myself. So I went up and I spoke. I don't remember specifically the words I spoke but I know that I touched on alot of things. I remember my heart opening and the words coming and a feeling of stepping to the side. I felt like I got out of my own way and let my the universe speak through me. I felt like I had little to do with what I said. It was a beautiful experience. I also felt it was what I was supposed to be doing, to be comforting to those in need, to make life a little bit better. I realized that the lessons I learned while going through my own personal experiences were screaming inside trying to get out.So here we are.
In order to eat this particular elephant one has to take a small bite at a time. I needed to define my mission.Reading the article in Rolling Stone about Jamie Tworkowski simplified things for me once again. Its about LOVE. Its about being there for each other. Its about being open and honest. I realized its about Hope. Without hope and love we have nothing of value. I know this to be true. Gratitude Respect and Grace, all huge. But I can see the eyeballs rolling. I can see the smirks and it has always been those things that make me feel like I should not go full out with my passion. It makes me think no one cares, no one gives a shit and its not worth it.Shut your mouth Pete because its all been done before and no one cares. The world is fucked and you aren't going to change a fucking thing.So shut up and give up. WEll,this my friends is bullshit. I can't and wont give up. What I experienced is the real thing. I don't know much about the hollywood version of love and romance. I have been a terrible boyfriend, and oftentimes a self absorbed selfish shut in. But what people don't know is that once you have been "touched" for lack of a better word by powerful experience it sometimes takes a while to absorb and integrate into your new life.Sometimes 15 years, sometimes a lifetime.
If I could bottle the feeling I had on the last day of treatment and sell it, the world would be a better place. I say this because it is true. I remember walking out of the radiation room into the corner of the next room and experiencing the most incredible overwhelming freakish feelings I have ever felt. It was a release, a catharsis and an indescribable feeling.Its like trying to describe a very intense acid trip. You gotta be there.I know what love is. I know what gratitude is, I know what grace is. I have had those feelings or the experience of what those things mean vibrate and resonate through me. I have been reduced to a sobbing mess feeling those feelings.The energy is not like anything I have ever experienced and the aftermath of those experiences is sometimes hard to handle. Love, gratitude, hope, grace, are not just pretty concepts. They are very powerful states of being that can rock the shit outta you. You can prepare for them but to receive these experiences full on is a blessing that sometimes feels like a curse.To reach personal heights, receive insights and to experience powerful feelings can only be compared in my opinion to seeing the earth from space. Its like being an astronaut and seeing your home in all its beauty from a completely different perspective and trying to go back to it in its "normal" form and just go live life now.. It aint easy. Speaking about an acid trip.. whewf, that one kind of got away from me..
So I will continue to eat the elephant, one bite at a time.I hope to share what I "digest" from that meal with you and that you don't get indigestion from the helpings I serve.
Be well you beautiful people.
Pete
Oh yeah, in case you missed it. The mission is, we are here to LOVE and THRIVE and BE ALIVE. More on that later..
Since completing cancer treatment I have often felt like there was an invisible gun to my head. That there was a clock ticking and that I should try to accomplish all that I can before I am done here on earth. I suppose I am like a woman who wants to have a baby and is feeling her biological clock ticking. I want to have my baby but my baby is still a raw, loosely defined mental entity. Loudlove was a start, a musical expression of the things I feel inside. I originally wanted to write music to make people dance, feel good and forget thier problems for a few hours. In many ways Loudlove has been a success and continues to do what it was designed to do. But Loudlove is not the perfect sole expression of my life's mission.
So, the ticking clock, the invisible gun, the unending desire to share what I feel everyday. It is like being haunted by a ghost that wants you to convey a message but wont tell you how or to whom the message belongs. When I get the opportunity to speak to my hearts best intentions I am amazed by what happens. For example at my uncles funeral a month or so back, I got to eulogize him. I made no notes and simply asked the universe to allow me to speak my uncles truth. I also asked that my words could comfort my family and all who attended his service. I also didn't want to embarrass myself. So I went up and I spoke. I don't remember specifically the words I spoke but I know that I touched on alot of things. I remember my heart opening and the words coming and a feeling of stepping to the side. I felt like I got out of my own way and let my the universe speak through me. I felt like I had little to do with what I said. It was a beautiful experience. I also felt it was what I was supposed to be doing, to be comforting to those in need, to make life a little bit better. I realized that the lessons I learned while going through my own personal experiences were screaming inside trying to get out.So here we are.
In order to eat this particular elephant one has to take a small bite at a time. I needed to define my mission.Reading the article in Rolling Stone about Jamie Tworkowski simplified things for me once again. Its about LOVE. Its about being there for each other. Its about being open and honest. I realized its about Hope. Without hope and love we have nothing of value. I know this to be true. Gratitude Respect and Grace, all huge. But I can see the eyeballs rolling. I can see the smirks and it has always been those things that make me feel like I should not go full out with my passion. It makes me think no one cares, no one gives a shit and its not worth it.Shut your mouth Pete because its all been done before and no one cares. The world is fucked and you aren't going to change a fucking thing.So shut up and give up. WEll,this my friends is bullshit. I can't and wont give up. What I experienced is the real thing. I don't know much about the hollywood version of love and romance. I have been a terrible boyfriend, and oftentimes a self absorbed selfish shut in. But what people don't know is that once you have been "touched" for lack of a better word by powerful experience it sometimes takes a while to absorb and integrate into your new life.Sometimes 15 years, sometimes a lifetime.
If I could bottle the feeling I had on the last day of treatment and sell it, the world would be a better place. I say this because it is true. I remember walking out of the radiation room into the corner of the next room and experiencing the most incredible overwhelming freakish feelings I have ever felt. It was a release, a catharsis and an indescribable feeling.Its like trying to describe a very intense acid trip. You gotta be there.I know what love is. I know what gratitude is, I know what grace is. I have had those feelings or the experience of what those things mean vibrate and resonate through me. I have been reduced to a sobbing mess feeling those feelings.The energy is not like anything I have ever experienced and the aftermath of those experiences is sometimes hard to handle. Love, gratitude, hope, grace, are not just pretty concepts. They are very powerful states of being that can rock the shit outta you. You can prepare for them but to receive these experiences full on is a blessing that sometimes feels like a curse.To reach personal heights, receive insights and to experience powerful feelings can only be compared in my opinion to seeing the earth from space. Its like being an astronaut and seeing your home in all its beauty from a completely different perspective and trying to go back to it in its "normal" form and just go live life now.. It aint easy. Speaking about an acid trip.. whewf, that one kind of got away from me..
So I will continue to eat the elephant, one bite at a time.I hope to share what I "digest" from that meal with you and that you don't get indigestion from the helpings I serve.
Be well you beautiful people.
Pete
Oh yeah, in case you missed it. The mission is, we are here to LOVE and THRIVE and BE ALIVE. More on that later..
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